Hide

I want to say that every day, I pray for guidance and strength and every day I tell myself "Ok Jon you'll be alright today." Some times I think if I could just go some where with my music and not come out for a while I'd be back to where life is taking me and I'd stop worrying so much about the world around me. Being a Christian even to death often gets me criticized even in my own family. I know they would tell me they were just joking around but it really hurts that they don't see what this means to me. I worry deep into my spirit for all their lives they aren't saved like I am and they won't listen to me talk about it either. I just don't know what to do some days. Some times I just want to hide some where and spend a few days with God all alone. I wonder if that would get me seeing straighter. I guess only God would know.

I'm afraid of who I am
I'm not sure of who I'm supposed to be
I want to run far away
Can't anybody see
This look in my eyes
That says I want to hide
Leave this place
For somewhere new
For a time to get away
Leave this world behind
Just me and God
Him talking
Me listening
I know he loves me
He is taking care of me
But I am afraid
I don't like the judgment
It hurts me deep inside
Can't people see
This light in my eyes
The light that says
I know the truth
I want to share it
I want to run away
And leave them all behind
Let God hold me close
And take me from this world
To Him and my family in Christ
I want to get away from persecution and abandonment
To love and compassion
Can't they see in my eyes
That I just want to hide

Freedom

So tonight I'm back to throwing whatever happens to come to mind down as a poem. Yesterday I did a lot of listening to Owl City and feeling lonely without a special someone to call my own. Today I saw the final steps of my car come together and hopefully in the morning I will get to see it get inspected and passed. This would mean I am finally going to be ready to be free. So tonight I think I'm going to write about freedom.

Daddy look at me
My car is packed
The road is calling
I'm finally ready daddy
Ready to be free
When I get behind that wheel
You'll see a new me
Freedom is calling
Can't you hear it daddy
I'm ready to be gone
Ready to be free
Daddy I love you
Don't you cry
I'm finally the man
You hoped I be
I'm finally free
I'm driving away now daddy
One last honk and wave
I'm ready to leave
Ready for freedom
Don't worry I'll call
I'll be on my own
But I know I'll be ok
Daddy I love you
Daddy I'm free

In Faith

"Overflowing with the Spirit my heart wept for the love I don't deserve. God is merciful and forgiving. He is so filled with compassion." This is what I wrote before I wrote the following poem. I however don't really remember when I wrote it. I do know that on Friday night I had wept and it was because of the overflowing love I had felt from God. So without further ado my poem of faith.

Do not fear my child
For I hold you in my hands
Know that I love you
Trust in me
Whenever you fall
I will always catch you
So put your faith in me
Not one hair will touch the ground
I will cradle you like a baby
Know that I love you
My Spirit flows in you
Spread my love to everyone
They will know that you love them
And that I loved them first

A Living Sacrifice

So This one I wrote after sitting on a giant rock and going through my devotionals. I was kinda praying and kinda thinking in poem form at the same time. So this one is kinda an interesting one.

I am not afraid of this world
So take me out of it
I do not delight in its sins
So give me Your Godliness
Take away the flesh
Give me more spirit
Lead me in Your love
Teach me Your works
Make my life
A living sacrifice
For the one who came down
And laid down His life first for me

This Mask You Wear

So one night at Mahaffey I was thinking about how some of the kids going to camp, and putting on a Christian face for their parents, but not truly having God in them. SO I wrote about how we often have mask for certain occasions.

The masks you wear
You have one for each disguise
Out with your friends
Your mask is concealing
Your true feelings inside
At church you hide
Behind the mask of salvation
But you know you live a lie
You are hurting inside
But no one really knows the truth
You are screaming in agony
No one hears a sound
You feel alone
Surrounded by friends
They don't even know you
Stop hiding behind your mask
Let someone love you
Scars and all
He's waiting for you
To give Him your life
He knows all your pains
He loved you to His death
So break free from your mask
Be free in Him

A Calling

So I wrote this one at Mahaffey on day 2. By this point I had starting making friends and I had really starting feeling confident that I really knew where God was calling me, thus coming up with this poem of calling.

I hear You calling
I begin to listen
Listen close You say
You are my child
I have you with purpose
This is my plan for you
Do my will
Lead my children
Bring my children back to me
Father I will do as You command
Bless me with Your glory
Set my path straight
Bless me in all I do for You

Long overdue

So I haven't been on here in 10 days, I have been away at an amazing camp. However, this does not mean I had not been trying to keep up with my blogging. I just did it on paper. so for the next few days I will transfer them to here and thus continue on with my blogging. So here is the one from day 1 of camp.

Freedom is not easily won
Freedom requires great sacrifice
Freedom cost peoples lives
Freedom cost Christ love
Love and freedom
They are bound together
Laying down your life
Loving your country enough to fight
Giving it all just for freedom
Christ hung on a cross
He freely gave His life
So we can be spiritually free

Short but Sweet

so I've got to get up super early tomorrow (well super early to my standards) 6:30 am, so tonight I'm just going to have a short but sweet blog.

I am here tonight
Lost and broken
Lord hear my prayers
Lord don't forsake me
Help me through the quicksand
It's pulling me harder
I don't want to struggle
But I don't want to give in
Lord grab me and lift me high
Far above the destructive soil
Teach me Your word
Show me Your love
Let me not compromise
For anything less than You
Lord keep me safe tonight
Lord remember me as I sleep

On Being Humble

So today has been a huge spiritual opening eyes kind of day. I've learned that part of ministry work is truly about going out to peoples homes and actually visiting them, and praying for them and just making sure you are doing what you can to help them along in their spiritual journey. Then after deciding on buying a sub instead of cooking stuff that we already had at home we were driving back home to eat and we passed a homeless guy pushing his bike along the highway. so we turned around found out if he had eaten yet today or not and then proceeded to give him the sub we had just bought. Then I went to a church planting meeting with Bryan and heard a few different pastors speak on a part of Acts that they were given, and almost every message brought up the truth that everyone God chose had to be humbled and meek before he used them and it really got to me so tonight I am going to write about being humble.

Do not be boastful
When you are on a pedestal
Know that the Lord is watching
Do not be prideful
Around those who are crushed
The Lord will not use you
Tear yourself down
Humble yourself
Loose yourself til you have nothing left
Give and give generously
Humble yourself before the Lord
Make yourself a servant unto others
Be meek and timid
Humble yourself
And the Lord shall call upon you

Take Courage

SO today I had a wonderful day learning new things about Spiritual Warfare and about being a discerning Christian. I also learned all kind of hints and pieces of information that seemed so harmless before. Also today I started doing daily devotionals. I am hoping this really helps me get my life organized and gives me a real chance to spend time in the presence of the Lord. So tonight I am doing a poem about courage because the devotional I was looking into gave me all types of bible passages about courage and its been really inspiring, as has Bryan's grandniece being initially shy around me to being so comfortable around me that she loved me rocketshipping her. I even had the privilege of buckling her into her seat. She's four years old and a cute and joyous child and I love seeing children so free and happy as she was. So here is a poem of courage.

Take courage my friend
Do not fear this world
Take courage my friend
Put your trust in the Lord
Take courage my friend
When life seems bottomed out
Take courage my friend
When nothing seems to go your way
Take courage my friend
And trust in the Lord
Take courage my friend
Pray for peace of mind
Take courage my friend
Fear not the enemy
Take courage my friend
And see the splendors that lie ahead

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isiaiah 41: 10

Drives

So today my pastor picked me up and we headed out to West Brownsville. The reason I write this is because it was a long ride, and it was a fun ride. Now I'm thinking back to when I was younger and life was simpler. My aunt and uncle used to come up from Virginia every summer and take me my sister and their two kids to different places. We've gone to DC, and Ohio, and a few other places. The best parts were often the rides there. Hours in a car in groups of two in the car. Adults up from the girls in the middle and the boys in the back. We'd play road games, or our gameboys. We laugh and tell jokes and have a good time. One year my cousin and I tried to freeze our legs with the air conditioning so that when we jumped out for the beach we'd not be super hot. Anyhow tonight I am going to try and write about drives.

Big black Suburban
Long endless highways
The world often flashing by
Trips not soon forgotten
Places not seen enough
Wonders waiting to be learned
Fun to be had
Childhood to be lived
The magic of drives
Weather they were far
Or they were near
There was always fun
I'll never forget
Even the trips where we got lost
No not even then
Life was easy when we drove
Life was fun

Beautiful

So when you think of the word beautiful what comes to mind? A person, A scene, an object, an animal? What about God does he come to mind, what about yourself? You know I was listening to a few songs that have the word beautiful in them, and it struck me that in God's eyes we are beautiful, and God is beauty. God created beauty, God created us. So why do we often forget about the beauty that is instilled in us from God? Tonight I want to express what beauty means to me.

Evil is surrounding me
Why do I see all the ugliness
Father touch my spirit again
Let me see the beauty
I know there is beauty
You created a beautiful world
Destroyed by the fall
Saved by grace
One day that beauty will shine again
Father I am down on my knees
Reach out and make me clean
I want to see the beauty
That which is hidden in me
Father You are beautiful
In your eyes so am I
Only through Your perfect son
The world is beautiful again
Thank you Father
Creator of all things
For the beauty I see
Is the beauty you see
And I am beautiful too

Snowy Dreams

So today we had a nasty storm that knocked out our power for a few hours. It took me back to earlier times when that used to happen. Usually it happened at night and during the winter so you had nothing better to do but go to bed. However I remember one time our power was out for three or four days, that was crazy. I had nothing better to do then go outside everyday and play in the snow, because inside smelled like kerosene heaters and lamps. So in light of the fact that its summer time, and we are just getting past a heat wave I am going to write a poem about winter and snow storms.

Early morning coldness
Settles around the house
Waking up to a cold bedroom
I don't want to get up
Can't I hide under the blankets
It's to cold for school
Look outside
It's a blurry white sheet
Turn on the t.v.
No school today
Jump for joy
Then back to bed
In a couple hours
We'll be outside
Making snowmen
Fighting snow monsters
How I loved those cold snowy days
At the end of the day
A hot bath was waiting
And a warm cup of Cocoa
With a few cookies on the side
Hope to do it again tomorrow

My Sacrifice

So tonight I was going to write about loving like a baby. I got to see and hold my niece today and it was like I was holding a little piece of heaven in my arms. Usually a baby looks at me and screams bloody murder. However lil Evey is the most relaxed baby I've ever met. I love her from the bottom of my heart like I've not love anything else before. But, no my poem is not going to be about loving like a baby. I also learn tonight that my pastor will be picking me up on Sunday to head to a camp for ten days. This is a sacrifice that I feel God is calling me to make. Knowing my sister and my niece are in and knowing my aunt and uncle are supposed to be coming up next week, I chose to say that I am willing to stay all ten days. I need to learn from those before me that know so much more than I when it comes to fighting our dark sides, and trusting in God for everything. So tonight I want to write about sacrifices and God.

I am bowed before You
Lord I laid down my life
I will leave behind
All that I own
To follow you Jesus
I am your disciple
When You call I will answer
I cannot say no
To You who sacrificed so much for me
You died for me
So that I could live for You
I will take up my own cross
To follow in your path
I will laid down my life
To give You the glory
And I will live to call You Father

Summer

Today I went for a walk and ended up out in the hot sun walking down a main road. The reason I was walking was due to a podcast. My Daily Audio Bible Podcast called today the fourth annual long walk. It was a day to just go out walk and listen to God. Unfortunately I kind of focused more on the land around me and trying not to injure myself. Thus I ended up walking all the way out to a road. That was fun but extremely hot. Later I went out to a park and swung on a swing for a while and while doing that I was trying to come up with an idea for a new poem.

Swinging in the park
Joyous and simple
Takes me back
To a simpler time
A time when summer
Meant vacations and relaxations
When school was forgotten
From dawn til dusk
I could roam free
Creating new adventures
Exploring hidden treasures
Being at peace with the world
Summer brought together
Everything a kid could ask for
Summer was endless
Summer was love
Summer was perfect

Lord Help Me

NO idea on what to write tonight, I'm super hot, my bed is broken, and I have no thinking process. All I know is no matter what choice I make regarding my bed it's gonna suck.

In this hot and humid world
All I got is You
It's You and me Lord
That's all I can ask
Father bless me tonight
Teach me patience
In the heat of the night
Show me the ways of serenity
I haven't ask for much
I just ask for peace
Show my how to care
For my enemy and the helpless
I need some wisdom now
But I don't know what is wise
Lord open my eyes
To a whole new world
Let the chaos flee
I want to see
Peace, love and happiness
All around me
I want to breathe
The freshness of new life
I want to start
Living for you tonight

Fact Is

The fact is I really don't know what to write about tonight. I was watching something on tv that made me want to write about soldiers and the war, but I don't know anything about it. Plus I haven't really lost anyone from the war. Sure I know a few people who've gone to war or who are there right now, but I don't claim to be their best friends or know a heck of a lot about them. Then reality hit me, so many of them are kids yet, they are my age. I wanted to join the Military, I wanted to go into the reserves, I wanted to be able to serve my country but I'm not allowed. I've got a disability that keeps me from doing even basic training stuff, so I am never going to be able to serve in the military. So tonight I was thinking of a poem that expresses how I feel, we'll see how this goes.

It was always an idea
Join the services
Help my country
I know plenty that did
Some I used to call peers
Life has its own choices though
Because of disability I couldn't
So now I hear stories
I've listened to artist sing about it
I'm grateful for my freedom
I'm grateful for our military
I'm grateful for my country
And I'm proud of what we stand for
I may not be able to fight
Not in the physical war
No, but I can fight
In the spiritual war
In the emotional war
There's war here
No guns no bombs
But violence, poverty
Sinful nature
Wicked people
That I can fight against
That I can wage war against
There are all types of heroes
What type are you

Great Admirer

So tonight I spilled my guts about my family and more importantly my grandfather to a friend. I rarely talk about my past or my family life at all, and I think its because all this time I hadn't been appreciative enough of what they've done for me. So tonight being the fourth of July and traditionally my huge family would be out around a fire right now setting off fireworks, but over the last three years life has changed drastically. July 18th 2008 my grandfather passed away, changing everything I knew about life. I was angry at first, he was supposed to be there to help me through my first year of college, but he had held on long enough.

I can't be with you any more
I've taught you everything I know
It's time to embark
On your own journey
Life is just beginning for you
Mine however is ending
I know you may be angry
One day though
You'll understand
I'll always be with you
My legacy is yours to continue
I know you'll do me proud
Don't let the mistakes of the past
Hold you back from all your dreams
Make me proud
I know you will
I love you kid
I'll see you soon

Tree Dreams

So I'm writing this kinda early for my blog, but that's because I was chilling in my favorite tree listening to my favorite country artist and thinking about some stuff. Earlier while I was mowing grass I was thinking I got my headphones in, my sunglasses on, and the world turned off and I realized that's such a great way to think about life. Not really worrying about all the details of every day, just taking it day by day. Music has been my favorite way of expressing myself, no matter how I feel I know somewhere in my collection is a song or artist that hits the spot and I sing along loudly out by myself. So while I was in my tree I realized that's the place I go to really mellow out. That tree has meant a lot to me over the years. I was contemplated suicide from that tree, it taught me a lesson of its own and I've never thought about suicide after that day. I've gone to that tree to get so much of my life straightened out, its been my future planner tree, my regret leaving tree, and most of all its been my giver tree. So here is the poem that came about on that tree today.

I'm in my secret tree again
Dreaming of tomorrow
Forgetting about today
Singing along to the music
About life coming from my headphones
Knowing music expresses what I can't
I wouldn't want it any other way
Just today I learned new things
I can't wait til tomorrow
When new dreams are revealed
And old regrets let go
Life is full of surprises
Especially in this old tree

Once Upon A Wish

"My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish"

These words are words of inspiration to millions of people, and they are words that millions want to say but can never seem to find. So tonight they are my inspiration for my latest poem. The song entails that no matter what happens we wish the best for whomever we make be talking to. When life drags us down, this song is there to remind us that yes it gets better and someone wants us to have the best for ourselves. So tonight this is my wish.

Once I had made a wish
That life would lead me
On a journey
One worth remembering
One worth living
Some days I cursed it
Some I blessed it
Never did I regret it
You have come and gone
From my life to another
I wish you only the best
I wish you deepest of love
Most of all
I wish our paths meet again
Someone down the line
Still I dream on
Still I wish on
Wishing only to live
Wishing life at its greatest
For both you and me

Mountain

So today I had no idea what to write about, so I statused my facebook asking for help and I got one idea. Apparently no one actually reads my blogs so I don't know why I continue to write them, but it is my goal to do this for an entire year every day and that is what I will do. My friend suggested over coming barriers so here goes.

A story about life
Its simplicities
Its complications
When I hit a wall
I don't always see the door
Often fighting to go around
Looking for the easy path
Knowing not where to look
There's a door waiting to be opened
But my eyes see through it
Until I cry out
Angry and defeated
Then I see the door
Waiting patiently
Almost as if to say
"Why do you overlook me?"
My answer goes unsaid
My hand reaches out
The doorknob shiny and cold
Left untouched for too long
As I close the door behind me
The road ahead is none the straighter
Knowing soon
I'll find a new obstacle
Waiting for me to pass
Knowing I am strong enough
To keep on walking
No matter where life takes me