Sunday, August 15, 2010

On Facing Freedom

I have one day left at home and I just don't know what to do any more. I can't stand staying home, but I can't stand being anywhere else either. I'm so antzy to be gone, but I'm stuck with this feeling that I'm not really ready to go. Like something is holding me back. I wish I could wake up and it be Tuesday tomorrow, but I know I still have a day left to go and its tearing me up inside. I have everything but my clothes packed and ready to be thrown in the car but its killing me to see it piled up. I don't know what to do, my brain feels as though it might explode. Normally right now I'd be smoking an entire pack of cigs or drinking until I couldn't feel, but I gave that all up knowing God would take care of me. Yet I struggle at times like this when it feels as though God is on the wayside just watching me struggle. I know it isn't true, but it feels like it is and its eating me inside.

It's eating me inside
This nagging deep inside
I want to be free
Yet I'm half afraid to leap
I need a little push
That bit of encouragement
The voice that says
"Hey, you got this"
I've been here before
But somehow it feels different
Maybe knowing
I'm more free than before
Maybe knowing I really have control
This world that I've been going after
Is finally at my feet
But suddenly I'm not sure
Am I ready for this
I didn't ask for worries
I didn't ask for troubles
All I ask for
Was freedom from home
This is more than freedom
This is newdom
Nothing is as I thought it should be
I can't run back like I did before
It's time to face this
With my feet firmly planted
My mind firmly set
I can do this
I was born for this
I will overcome this

Rock Bottom

So today I had some fun outing with my female cuz. We hardly agree on anything, however, we do agree on fashion. We both have this thing for needing to look good at all times. Our fashions may be a little different than the norm but that's what makes us unique and what bonds us. Than my sister and I went to the drive in again and we watched Despicable Me and The Other Guys. The first was adorable. The second I could live without. Tonight I am blanking severely on what to write about. And I'm running low on ideas, but that fact alone can actually become an idea within itself, so lets see how it goes.

I am hitting rock bottom
My ideas are waning
Emotions are lost
Words not found
Poetry not written
I am at rock bottom
Once I thought
I would never
Be low on ideas
I am quickly learning
My ideas
Are quickly burning
I am at rock bottom
I need some inspiration
Something that sparks my mind
I need new emotions
To bring back
The life in my words
I am at rock bottom
My poetry
Is low on feelings
I can't find the words
To bring my emotions to life
I am at rock bottom